I think my fart just growled at me.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
