i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
