Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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