Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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