You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize