y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize