He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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