Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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