My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize