Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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