i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Can you bring me the toilet please
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
