Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
