i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
