I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
