just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Of course I have a pirate flag
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
