Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
