I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
