At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
