do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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