Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
