Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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