I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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