i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
