No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
