You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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