Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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