Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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