This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
