Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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