FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize