She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You need Xanax blowdarts
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
