I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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