i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You were trust falling into bushes
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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