i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
