Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize