I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
