Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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