she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
