is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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