I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
