dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
