the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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