Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I cannot find my penis.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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