She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I need to align my fucking chakras
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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