I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
