i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
