i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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