Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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