You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
