I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
