Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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