Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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