Your dad touched me again.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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