you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
