I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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